Who Are You?

You ever have that feeling where you have so much to say, yet you have no idea where to start? When there are so many feelings and thoughts bottled up on the inside screaming to get out, and when you open your mouth, nothing comes out? Or do you have that friend that always asks for advice, and you offer it wishing that your problems were just as easily solved by asking someone else? Or maybe you are that friend that is the advice seeker and you never stop to ask how someone else is doing, because it's always about you?

Do you ever feel like the whole world around you is moving to a rhythm and maybe you would be in tune if you can find out what it is? Or maybe you have your own rhythm and the rest of the world doesn't appreciate it? Either way, you just don't seem to be on the same page as everyone else. Or maybe you are the person that constantly promises yourself change but nothing ever comes from it? Or you are the person that never expects change, actually, you never expect much from yourself because you don't think you are worth it?

Maybe you are the girl that wants to be "just like the guys" and you don't care how many of your own kind that you have to walk on to get there? Or maybe you are the guy that wants to be the "boss" and you don't care how many girls you disrespect in the process? Or maybe you are the confused one who is still hiding who you really are, afraid that you won't be accepted by the people around you? Are your insides screaming "I'm right here. See Me!!" and no one notices that you are there? Or maybe you are the one standing in a crowded room with your head down hoping your presence is never noticed? 

Are you the popular girl who still won't break up with her major cute boyfriend even though you have caught him cheating on you more than once, justifying your actions with the word "love"? Or maybe you are the one that sleeps with random people because "you are single" and truly afraid of any sign of commitment? Or maybe you are the one that smiles in your "friends" face just to hold the peace when in actuality you want to chuck the "deuces" at them?

It doesn't matter what side of the fence you play on... You are not alone. Maybe it's time you start to notice that, and just be happy with who you are, and what you have to offer to the world. You can't do everything, but you can do something...

Honest Question

So question for all the guys out there... Why does your species suck soooo badly at life? Like seriously, I know how this may sound.... But what are you guys really good for except for producing sperm to populate the Earth... Ya'll only breed miniature versions of yourselves that take up more space around the world, just to grow up worrying their parents to death because she fears that you will go to jail or get shot before she has the chance to kiss her first grandchild goodnight. Pretty soon we will have cloning so even that necessity will be void. What else do you guys offer to the world? You take up space, and perfectly good air. You wonder why girls don't have jeans that fit because you are buying every skinny pair that exists in the store. Hello, I shouldn't see how excited you are to see me when I walk in the room. And for once, can you think with your head, and I mean the one above your shoulders. Your disgusting, a great portion of you have B.O. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all these go for everyone, but 75% of everything I am saying goes for just about all of you. (Sucks when you're forced to look in the mirror doesn't it. ). You fight just to prove that your ego is bigger than the next when in actuality, your "huge" ego is only compensating for the fact that you are lacking in other areas. Forgive me if I sound mean. I am the furthest from going lesbian I assure you, but I really genuinely want to know what males contribute to society. Yeah people say protection... but weapons can do that. Sex? Yeah, we have toys for that. Like if a male can inform me... I will apologize publicly about everything I am saying. But other than that... I guess I'll stick to what I feel... You all suck. Smh.

Autumn

I was sitting in class today thinking about the term "Family." You never know how greatly a single person can impact the dynamic of a family until that person is no longer here. For me and my family, that person was my grandmother. It seems that after she passed, quite a few years ago (honestly I was too young to remember), it seemed like my family fell apart. Although I don't remember her favorite outfit, or the color of her favorite nail polish, I do remember how I felt back when she was alive. I do remember how often I seen my family and how many fun things we all did together. It's too bad those things are a fond memory and not so much a reality anymore... So here is a poem that I thought of:

Autumn 

Pasta Tuesdays
and Soul food Sundays.

Grandma was
everything
to me.

She was
the trunk to my
family tree.

She got
sick
and became
nothing.

And we
became leaves
blowing in
the wind.

Sometimes we forget all too often to do this for ourselves, for ourselves.

I'm at a stage in my life when I feel like every time I get one foot in front of the other, something knocks me a few steps back. Everyone seems to be moving somewhere and I feel like I'm stuck in the same spot. Some days are better than others I have to admit. But it's never constant. I see my friends and their lives seem to be falling into place.

Congrats on the new jobs... Congrats on the new relationships... Congrats on the new baby... Congrats on the new house... Congrats on all the accomplishments that every around me seems to be making.

Sometimes I wake up angry. I can already tell it is going to be a bad day before I open the curtain. Sometimes I don't even open the curtain.When will it change I ask myself. When will the cycle break and when will I get my break?

I know I have to start somewhere. So maybe I can start with simply giving myself a hug as often as I can. I'm not saying it will fix the problem. But it's a start... and I have to start somewhere.

ThanksGiving 2010

I spent Thanksgiving 2010 with my family and some of their friends. I must admit that with all I have been through in the last 2 months, I wanted a more intimate holiday season with my household. But we made it through the day just fine.

I caught myself daydreaming a few times about the plans that were made for today... About the person I didn't get the chance to introduce to my family and about the smile I didn't get the chance to expose. I guess it is much easier to pretend that I am doing much better than I actually am. At least for the time being. I have to admit that it is harder than I thought it would be. Everyone seems to have so much to be thankful for... and I guess on the outside looking in, I am supposed to be thankful too.

I will let you in on a little secret... I still cry because of the damage that was done. I still wake up some times wishing I had taken a different route in my sleep. But we will keep that between us.

Like Chris Brown says, "Lucky me. I gotta pose for the cameras. Even when my world's falling down, I still wear a smile. Lucky me. Even though I'm so damaged. I gotta pick myself up and perform for the crowd."

Even though I wouldn't wish anything that I have been through on anyone, I spent a great deal of time today wondering what I am thankful for. Since I don't have much to say in reference to my own situation and my own life, I will share with everyone what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that the ones around me that I love have a reason to be thankful, even if I don't. Happy Thanksgiving to all...

My Own

Suffocating in my own mind.
Drowning in my own thought.
Hurting by my own words
like daggers to my heart.

Running from my own past.
Stopped by my own fears.
Abandoned by my own soul,
left standing here.

Tainted by my own touch.
Damaged by my own pain.
Lied to by my own lips,
hoping it wasn't in vain.

Trapped by my own skin.
Disgusted by my own face.
Stolen from my own love.
Given to a foreign place.

Trying to find myself,
the best way i can.
Only learning
I am not who I am.

Nor do I want to be.

Accepting my own chills.
Loving my own scars.
Acknowledging my own faults
and admitting my own flaws.

Hearing my own words.
Listening to my own mind.
Trusting my own judgement
will take some time.

Hoping for my own change.
Praying for my own will.
Treading snail slow
all up hill.

Wanting my own wants.
Loving my own love.
Yearning for my own desire
and strength from above.

When will it be enough?

Almost

Just seen For Colored Girls (Tyler Perry's newest movie) which is definitely a must see. I got inspired to write a bit of something. After having a pretty traumatic month of October for myself, I must say that the movie brought back a lot of reminders, things I'm still dying inside to forget. But I decided to write a poem. It's inspired by the poem "Somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff" by Ntozake Shange... So here it is:

Someone almost got away with all my stuff.

This stranger came ill in intention with a lack of respect for me and mine

Finger prints left all over me leaving me tainted

and too dirty for the next.

I spent years earning and cherishing what I had,

and this stranger walked in and in a matter of hours took it all.

Walked down the street selling my things, minimizing

my life to cents on the street.

I smelt my perfume on another woman,

seen my scarf on another neck

and heard my song on another’s lips.

Someone almost took off with all my things.

Sucked the life out of me leaving me hollow

not wanting, not hoping, and not seeking.

Almost took my feet right from under me

without me watching.

Sweet talked me to open arms and

an even more open heart.

Stranger, you can’t have it cuz I didn’t give it away.

Just leave me here to sit in myself,

let me hold myself and love myself

cuz I don’t need strange lies.

They will fall on death ears,

cuz now I know better.

I don’t want my secrets told to another’s ears,

or the rhythm of our hearts to be another’s lullaby.

Our song is sung.

Done.

I’m now damaged in the skin I’m forced to live in, and                        

tainted by the one who gave life to me and

took it all in a matter of months.

I wanted to jump outside of my bones to stop her

Warn them

And forget about you all at the same time.

Almost got away with it all. 

I almost let you, Stranger.

Almost.

 
Tell me what you think...

Dear Lie

Dear Lie,
Something about you is so tempting. I can't quite make it out. You tell me that it won't hurt. And ofcourse I believe you. You tell me that it will make everything better. You don't tell me that it's only for the moment. You forget that I have to keep coming to you asking for more because once I start, I will never really have enough. You're like an addiction. Not the good kind. Actually, I don't know if any kind is the good kind. Any addiction takes you away from the power of self control. You should always have control. Lie, why must you have control?
I don't want to hurt you, but you've hurt me. If I wan anything like you, I would repay with the same pain you have caused to me. What will become of you, Lie? What will become of you if I stop seeking you? If I stop looking for you, and if I stop running to you when things go wrong. What will become of you? Will you lose your touch? Or maybe you will fade... Perhaps you will disappear. Disappear like the trust that he once had in me before I looked to you to fix our problems. Maybe that should be your punishment... Although I think it's far too kind.

I must let you know, Lie. You will not hear from me again. I will not answer when you knock. Nor will I entertain you when you appear in the same room. I will give you my back from this day forward. I'm sorry we have come to this, Lie. But you have left me no choice.