ThanksGiving 2010

I spent Thanksgiving 2010 with my family and some of their friends. I must admit that with all I have been through in the last 2 months, I wanted a more intimate holiday season with my household. But we made it through the day just fine.

I caught myself daydreaming a few times about the plans that were made for today... About the person I didn't get the chance to introduce to my family and about the smile I didn't get the chance to expose. I guess it is much easier to pretend that I am doing much better than I actually am. At least for the time being. I have to admit that it is harder than I thought it would be. Everyone seems to have so much to be thankful for... and I guess on the outside looking in, I am supposed to be thankful too.

I will let you in on a little secret... I still cry because of the damage that was done. I still wake up some times wishing I had taken a different route in my sleep. But we will keep that between us.

Like Chris Brown says, "Lucky me. I gotta pose for the cameras. Even when my world's falling down, I still wear a smile. Lucky me. Even though I'm so damaged. I gotta pick myself up and perform for the crowd."

Even though I wouldn't wish anything that I have been through on anyone, I spent a great deal of time today wondering what I am thankful for. Since I don't have much to say in reference to my own situation and my own life, I will share with everyone what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that the ones around me that I love have a reason to be thankful, even if I don't. Happy Thanksgiving to all...

My Own

Suffocating in my own mind.
Drowning in my own thought.
Hurting by my own words
like daggers to my heart.

Running from my own past.
Stopped by my own fears.
Abandoned by my own soul,
left standing here.

Tainted by my own touch.
Damaged by my own pain.
Lied to by my own lips,
hoping it wasn't in vain.

Trapped by my own skin.
Disgusted by my own face.
Stolen from my own love.
Given to a foreign place.

Trying to find myself,
the best way i can.
Only learning
I am not who I am.

Nor do I want to be.

Accepting my own chills.
Loving my own scars.
Acknowledging my own faults
and admitting my own flaws.

Hearing my own words.
Listening to my own mind.
Trusting my own judgement
will take some time.

Hoping for my own change.
Praying for my own will.
Treading snail slow
all up hill.

Wanting my own wants.
Loving my own love.
Yearning for my own desire
and strength from above.

When will it be enough?

Almost

Just seen For Colored Girls (Tyler Perry's newest movie) which is definitely a must see. I got inspired to write a bit of something. After having a pretty traumatic month of October for myself, I must say that the movie brought back a lot of reminders, things I'm still dying inside to forget. But I decided to write a poem. It's inspired by the poem "Somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff" by Ntozake Shange... So here it is:

Someone almost got away with all my stuff.

This stranger came ill in intention with a lack of respect for me and mine

Finger prints left all over me leaving me tainted

and too dirty for the next.

I spent years earning and cherishing what I had,

and this stranger walked in and in a matter of hours took it all.

Walked down the street selling my things, minimizing

my life to cents on the street.

I smelt my perfume on another woman,

seen my scarf on another neck

and heard my song on another’s lips.

Someone almost took off with all my things.

Sucked the life out of me leaving me hollow

not wanting, not hoping, and not seeking.

Almost took my feet right from under me

without me watching.

Sweet talked me to open arms and

an even more open heart.

Stranger, you can’t have it cuz I didn’t give it away.

Just leave me here to sit in myself,

let me hold myself and love myself

cuz I don’t need strange lies.

They will fall on death ears,

cuz now I know better.

I don’t want my secrets told to another’s ears,

or the rhythm of our hearts to be another’s lullaby.

Our song is sung.

Done.

I’m now damaged in the skin I’m forced to live in, and                        

tainted by the one who gave life to me and

took it all in a matter of months.

I wanted to jump outside of my bones to stop her

Warn them

And forget about you all at the same time.

Almost got away with it all. 

I almost let you, Stranger.

Almost.

 
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