If I Had a Diary- Part 1

Dear Diary,

I told him I was proud of him and his progression with his spirituality. He seemed, for once, genuinely concerned with whether I was making any progress. Truth is, I hadn't thought about it until he asked me.

I've been avoiding mirrors and avoiding my reality for quite some time now that I almost have myself convinced that it is real. I admire him. The conversations always leave me questioning the questioning the purpose of my whole being. The hugs always leave me wishing someone could make me feel as protected and safe as he does. The love making leaves me helpless in that I know we can never be, but I know there is no one else that will ever make me feel the same way. Will anyone else ever be enough?

We found ourselves wrapped in each other, which we often do, and the feeling we both felt afterwards solidified why we can't be. I've never evaluated my relations with someone the way I did with him that night; and I know it's the same for him. As he stood over me, I couldn't look him in his eyes because I know I failed him. I will never want anything less than the best for him, but some small piece of me has me wondering if that is the role I am supposed to play.

We can't be friends because our chemistry and physical attraction is at an all time high. But, does that mean we should never speak to each other in order to avoid it? Our history is so rich that it seems almost unfair  to us both to try to erase if from out lives. Maybe we are supposed to be so much more than seasonal fuck buddies. Maybe we are supposed to be so much more than we want ourselves to think. We are probably in agreement that now just isn't the right time. But do we have to continue that social awkwardness that exists over simply taking it one day at a time. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and I have no idea about what I expect to come of this. What I do know is I live with the fear of never knowing if we can ever be friend again. I live with the fear of never knowing if he will ever accept our obvious attractions to each other, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I live everyday with the fear of never knowing that if we truly gave it out best, would it have worked out.

I've had to tacked a lot in the past week. I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life, the people in it, and where I want to be. He may never know he helped me in  more ways that night that providing me with the security of having a warm body beside me to help me sleep. He gave me a new expectation. One not only of myself, but one of the people I let in my life. Because of his presence, I've come to two new goals that I wish to accomplish in the next year.

Celibacy. Long Distance Running.

As far as celibacy, I never want to risk losing his presence in my life, so we have to practice control over out bodies, our minds, and our thoughts. He showed me that and I really want to make a genuine effort. As far as long distance running, I believe physical shape is a state of mind. If I don't say I am tired, I won't be tired. I want to use running to train my thought to control my body. I have to be in charge and not give into the temptations that the world will throw my way. I want nothing more than his continuous unintentional support, and hopefully one day, I will again be able to look in the mirror and see the progression I've made.